by

James Thurber

Dramatized by Russell Hunt

SET:

13 various, fairly large, colorful clock faces, suspended to define an area. All the clocks show 4:50; all the minute hands are movable to 12. A chest, large enough to hold a person. Lights inside, activated by an unobtrusive switch on the base?

COSTUMES:

There is a company of seven. The actor who plays THE AUTHOR/THE GOLUX has two costumes (his coat should be reversible): THE AUTHOR wears a traditional tweedy sports coat, vaguely academic and lumpy, and very thick glasses, which he makes much of, cleaning them often and demonstrating that he is very nearly blind without them. THE GOLUX's side of the coat is colorful, almost psychedelic, perhaps with fringe. He wears an indescribable hat. He can see perfectly well. 

Six of the actors have a basic all-purpose costume consisting of a dark, worn, ragged cloak and hood, which they wear over their other costumes when they are not playing one of the specific, defined characters.

The six specific characters: 

ZORN: At first, ragged motley. Under it something dashing. At first, a lute(?); later, a sword. A hat with a plume?
 

THE PRINCESS SARALINDA: a gown, a diadem, perhaps a fan.  

HAGGA: Blue rags.

THE TWO GUARDS: Black uniforms with shiny buttons. Leather. Something that can clank when they walk. Boots?

THE AUTHOR:

(Cleaning his glasses, he can't find the cast; putting them on, he locates the actor who is to play THE DUKE)

Once upon a time, in a gloomy castle on a lonely hill, where there were thirteen clocks that wouldn't go, there lived (he holds his hand over the head of the actor who is to play THE DUKE) a cold, aggressive Duke (THE DUKE rises, throwing off his cloak and adjusting his monocle. He smoothes his black gloves and takes off an imaginary ring or two, admiring them in the light and replacing them, over the gloves) and his niece, the Princess Saralinda (SARALINDA rises, removing her cloak and putting on her tiara, and smiles glassily). She was warm in every wind and weather, but he was always cold. His hands were as cold as his smile and almost as cold as his heart. He wore gloves when he was asleep, and he wore gloves when he was awake, which made it difficult for him to pick up the jewels he loved, or to tear the wings from nightingales. (He gestures at THE DUKE, who begins limping about from clock to clock. SARALINDA watches) Wickedly scheming, he would limp and cackle through the cold corridors of the castle, planning new impossible feats for SARALINDA's suitors.

THE DUKE:

You have the only warm hand in the castle, my dear. Even the hands of the clocks are frozen. Time is dead here. I slew it myself, and wiped my bloody blade upon its beard. It's always Then here; it's never Now. (His attention turns to SARALINDA) And no travelling mountebank of a Prince will ever win your warm hand and take you away. I'll set him to . . . cut a slice of moon, or change the ocean into wine. I'll set him to finding things that never were, or building things that could not be.

THE AUTHOR:

The castle and the Duke grew colder, and Saralinda, as a princess will, even in a place where time lies frozen, became a little older, but only a little. She was nearly twenty-one the day (he holds his hand over the head of the actor who is to play ZORN) a prince, disguised as a minstrel (ZORN rises with his lute) came singing to the town that lay below the castle. (He gestures; the rest of the cast, in their cloaks, become a tavern. ZORN enters, has a drink, fiddles with the lute a bit. All mime laughing and talk)

GUARD ONE (as a traveler):

If you can slay the thorny Boar of Borythorn, the Princess is yours. But there is no thorny Boar of Borythorn, which makes it hard.

THE DUKE (as a tale-teller):

What makes it even harder is her uncle's scorn and sword. He will slit you from your guggle to your zatch.

HAGGA (as a tosspot):

The Duke is seven feet, nine inches tall, and his hand is cold enough to stop a clock and strong enough to choke a bull and swift enough to catch the wind. He breaks up minstrels in his soup, like crackers.

GUARD TWO (as a troublemaker):

Our minstrel here will warm the old mans heart with song, dazzle him with jewels and gold. He'll trample on the Duke’s camellias, spill his wine, and blunt his sword, and say his name begins with X (the others gasp and shrink back), and in the end the Duke will say, 'Take Saralinda, with my blessing, O lordly Prince of Rags and Tags, O rider of the sun!' (ZORN rises and moves a step toward GUARD TWO, who is having a good time. For a moment they stare at each other, and GUARD TWO subsides. ZORN leaves the circle) I've seen that youth before, but he was neither ragamuffin then, nor minstrel. Now let me see, where was it?

HAGGA (as a tosspot):

In his soup, like crackers.

THE AUTHOR:

Outside the tavern the night was lighted by a rocking yellow moon that held a white star in its horn. In the gloomy castle on the hill (he points; ZORN is already looking in that direction) a lantern gleamed and darkened, came and went, as if the gaunt Duke stalked from room to room, stabbing bats and spiders, killing mice.

ZORN:

Saralinda. (long pause) I wonder where my zatch and guggle are. (The Tavern is breaking up and people are walking past him. He takes his lute up) 

Hark, hark, the dogs do bark, 

But only one in three. 

They bark at those in velvet gowns, 

They never bark at me.  

(One or two people laugh or turn back)

The Duke is fond of velvet gowns,

He'll ask you all to tea. 

But I'm in rags, and I'm in tags, 

He'll never send for me. 

(A little laughter. The rest of the crowd drifts back; some seat themselves at ZORN's feet?)

THE DUKE (As a strutfurrow):

He's a bold one, Rags is, making songs about the Duke.

ZORN:

Hark, hark, the dogs do bark, 

The Duke is fond of kittens. 

He likes to take their insides out 

And use their fur for mittens.   

(Dead silence falls. People look at each other; over their shoulders; move back; disappear. Only HAGGA, as a traveller, is left)

HAGGA (as a traveller):

I've seen you somewhere: Shining in the lists, perhaps, or toppling knights in battle, or breaking men in two like crackers. Who are you?

ZORN:

A wandering minstrel. A thing of sheds and zatches. I mean patches.

HAGGA (as a traveller):

Even if you were the mighty Zorn of Zorna, you could not escape the fury of the Duke. He'll slit you from your guggle (indicating his throat) to your zatch (his stomach). (We become aware that GUARD ONE is crouched at the edge of the Playing area. He steals away)

ZORN:

Now I know what to guard.

HAGGA (as a traveller):

(Indicating GUARD ONE) The Duke's spy-in-chief. His name is Whisper. Tomorrow he will die. (Pause) He'll die because to name your sins, he'll have to mention . . . mittens. I leave at once for other lands, since I have mentioned . . . mittens. You'll never live to wed his niece. You'll only die to feed his geese. Goodbye, goodnight, and sorry.   

(Meanwhile, the AUTHOR has reversed his coat to reveal the GOLUX's costume. His glasses are gone and he wears his indescribable hat. He is somehow a good deal shorter and . . . younger? Unlike the other characters, his transformation has happened noticeably)

THE GOLUX:

If you have nothing better than your songs, you are somewhat less than much . . . and only a little more than anything.

ZORN:

I manage in my fashion. 

Hark, hark, the dogs do bark, 

The cravens are going to bed. 

Some will rise and greet the sun, 

But Whisper will be dead. 

Who are you?

THE GOLUX:

I am the Golux. The only Golux in the world, and not a mere device. I must always be on hand when people are in peril.

ZORN:

My peril is my own.

THE GOLUX:

Half of it is yours and half is Saralinda's. 

ZORN:

I hadn't thought of that. I place my faith in you. Where you lead, I follow. 

THE GOLUX:

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Not so fast. Half the places I have been to, never were. I make things up. Half the things I say are there cannot be found. When I was young I told a tale of buried gold, and men from leagues around dug in the woods. (pause) I dug myself.

ZORN:

But why? 

THE GOLUX:

I thought the tale of treasure might be true. 

ZORN:

You said you made it up. 

THE GOLUX:

I know I did, but then I didn't know I had. I forget things, too. I make mistakes, but I am on the side of Good, by accident and happenchance. I had high hopes of being Evil when I was two, but in my youth I came upon a firefly burning in a spider's web. I saved the victim's life. 

ZORN:

The firefly. 

THE GOLUX:

No, the spider's. The blinking arsonist had set the web on fire. By now the Duke will have heard your songs. He will be preparing to feed you to his geese. We must invent a tale to stay his hand. 

ZORN:

What sort of tale?

THE GOLUX:

A tale to make the Duke believe that slaying you would light a light in someone else's heart. He hates a light in people's hearts. So you must say . . . a certain prince and princess can't be wed until the evening of the second day after the Duke has fed you to his geese.

ZORN:

I wish you wouldn't keep saying that.

THE GOLUX:

The tale sounds true, and very like a witch's spell. The Duke has awe of witches' spells. I'm certain he will stay his hand. (pause) I think.  

(The two GUARDS have thrown off their cloaks, revealing black uniforms. With some sort of weapons clanking, they march toward ZORN. THE GOLUX steps back during the distraction, reverses his coat, and becomes THE AUTHOR)

GUARD ONE:

      Halt!

GUARD TWO:

      Hold still, there. Don't move.

ZORN:

Don't arrest my friend:

GUARD TWO:

What friend?

GUARD ONE:

Maybe he's seen the Golux.

GUARD TWO:

There isn't any Golux. I've been to school and I know.

GUARD ONE:

Okay, you. Let's go. (Each GUARD grabs an arm)

THE AUTHOR:

(Simultaneously with this speech, the GUARDS march ZORN off, fling him to the ground, and then take up posts on either side of him. We notice THE DUKE with his back to the scene. THE DUKE claps his hands once, and THE GUARDS pick ZORN up and bring him, one on each arm, into THE DUKE's presence) 

THE DUKE:

(Not turning around) What manner of prince is this you speak of, and what manner of maiden does he . . . love, to use a word that makes no sense and has no point?

ZORN:

A Noble prince. A noble lady. When they are wed a million people will be glad.

THE DUKE:

(Drawing his sword, he turns to ZORN and touches the sword to his guggle and then his zatch, thinks, and sheathes the sword)  

We shall think of some amusing task for you to do. I do not like your tricks and guile. I think there is no prince or maiden who would wed if I should slay you, but I am neither sure nor certain. We'll think of some amusing task for you to do.

ZORN:

But I am not a prince, and only princes may aspire to Saralinda's hand and be assigned a task to win her.

THE DUKE:

Why, then, we'll make a prince of you. (Whips out his sword) The prince of (he touches ZORN's shoulders with the sword and sheathes it) Rags and Jingles. (He claps; THE GUARDS take ZORN's arms again). Take him to his dungeon. Feed him water without bread, and bread without water.

(To take him back to the dungeon, the GUARDS must walk him past SARALINDA, who has appeared magically. ZORN is stricken) This thing of rags and tatters will play our little game.

SARALINDA:

I wish him well. (ZORN tears himself free and takes her hand. THE DUKE's sword at his guggle, THE GUARDS pull him away)

THE DUKE:

Take him to his dungeon. You'll find the most amusing bats and spiders there.

SARALINDA:

I wish him well.   

(When the GUARDS throw ZORN back into his cell, THE GOLUX is already there. The cell is pitch black; neither ZORN nor THE GOLUX can see anything, though we can)

THE GOLUX:

Take care. You're on my foot. 

ZORN:

(groping around, he finally touches the hat) Why are you here? 

THE GOLUX:

      I forgot something. I forgot about the task the Duke will set you. 

ZORN:

How did you get in? Can you leave?

THE GOLUX:

I never know. My mother was a witch, but rather mediocre in her way. When she tried to turn a thing to gold, it turned to clay . . . and when she changed her rivals into fish, all she ever got were mermaids. My father was a wizard. When he was in his cups, he often cast his spells upon himself. (pause) 

ZORN:

The task. You came to tell me. 

THE GOLUX:

I did? Oh yes. My father lacked the power of concentration, and that is bad for monks and priests, and worse for wizards. Listen. Tell the Duke that you will hunt the Boar, or travel thrice around the moon, or turn November into June. Implore him not to send you out to find a thousand jewels. 

ZORN:

And then? 

THE GOLUX:

And then he'll send you out to find a thousand jewels. 

ZORN:

But I am a poor minstrel, a thing of shreds and . . . 

THE GOLUX:

Come, come. You're Zorn of Zorna. I had it from a traveler I met. It came to him as he was leaving town. Your fathers casks and coffers shine with rubies and with sapphires.

ZORN:

My father lives in Zorna, and it would take me nine and ninety days:

three and thirty days to go, and three and thirty days to come back.

THE GOLUX:

That's only six and thirty.

ZORN:

It always takes my father three and thirty days to make decisions. (pause) It seems a strange and simple task. 

THE GOLUX:

There are no jewels within the reach and ranges of this island, except the gems here in the castle. The Duke does not know that you are Zorn of Zorna; he thinks you are a wandering minstrel. 

ZORN:

The Duke might give me only thirty days, or forty-two, to find a thousand jewels. Why should he give me ninety-nine?

THE GOLUX:

The way I figure it is this. The longer the labor lasts, the longer lasts his gloating. He loves to gloat, you know. (pause) And I have other plans than one.  

(The GUARDS are back at the door of the cell. The GOLUX disappears)

GUARD ONE:

The Duke commands your presence . . . . What was that?

ZORN:

What was what? 

GUARD ONE:

I know not. I thought I heard the sound of someone laughing. 

ZORN:

Is the Duke afraid of laughter? 

GUARD TWO:

The Duke is not afraid of anything. Not even . . . (a high-pitched, eerie noise from the rest of the company begins) the Todal. (The noise continues during this and later discussions of the Todal)

ZORN:

The Todal?

GUARD ONE:

The Todal.

ZORN:

What's the Todal?

GUARD TWO:

The Todal looks like a blob of glup, and . . .

GUARD ONE:

It makes a sound . . . like rabbits screaming, and smells of old, unopened rooms.

GUARD TWO:

It's waiting for the Duke to fail in something . . .

GUARD ONE:

Like setting you a task that you can do.

ZORN:

And if he sets me one, and I succeed?

GUARD ONE:

The blob will . . . glup him.

GUARD TWO:

It's an agent of the devil, sent to punish evildoers for having done less evil than they should.

GUARD ONE:

You talk too much. Come on. The Duke is waiting.

(As before, the guards march ZORN to the DUKE)

THE DUKE:

So you would hunt the Boar, or travel thrice around the moon, or turn November into June. (He laughs) Saralinda in November turns November into June. A cow can travel thrice around the moon, or even more. Andanyone can merely hunt the Boar. But I have another plan for you. I thought it up myself last night, while I was killing mice. I'll send you out to find a thousand jewels and bring them back.

ZORN:

(Not very convincingly) I'm just a wandering minstrel, a thing of --

THE DUKE:

Rubies. And sapphires. (He gestures to the GUARDS, who take ZORN's arms). For you are Zorn of Zorna. (He snaps his fingers; the GUARDS remove his motley and uncover a Prince) Your father's casks and vaults and coffers shine with jewels. In six and sixty days you could sail to Zorna and return. 

ZORN:

But it always takes my father three and thirty days to make a decision.

THE DUKE:

That's just what I wanted to know, my naive Prince. Then you would have me give you nine and ninety days? 

ZORN:

That would be fair. (The DUKE laughs delightedly) But you will not give me nine and ninety days. How many, then? 

THE DUKE:

A lovely number. Perhaps . . . nine and ninety hours. Nine and ninety hours to fend a thousand jewels and bring them back. And . . . when you return, the clocks must all be striking five. 

ZORN:

The clocks here in the castle? The thirteen clocks? 

THE DUKE:

The clocks here in the castle. The thirteen clocks. 

ZORN:

The hands are frozen. The clocks are dead. 

THE DUKE:

Precisely. And what's more, which makes your task even more charming: there are no 

jewels that could be found within the space of nine and ninety hours, except those in my own vaults. 

GUARD ONE:

A pretty task. 

GUARD TWO:

Ingenious. 

THE DUKE:

I thought you'd like it.

ZORN:

And if I should succeed. (The DUKE waves a hand, and Saralinda appears) 

SARALINDA:

I wish him well. 

THE DUKE:

I hired a witch to cast a spell on her. When she is in my presence, all she can say is "I wish him well." You like it? 

GUARD ONE:

A clever spell. 

GUARD TWO:

An awful spell.

(ZORN and SARALINDA are looking at each other)

THE DUKE:

(To Saralinda) Go! (She does) 

ZORN:

And if I fail. 

THE DUKE:

I'll slit you from your guggle to your zatch, and feed you to the Toda1. (Eerie noise) 

ZORN:

I've heard of it. 

THE DUKE:

You've only heard of half of it. The other half is worse. It's made of . . . lip. It feels as if it had been dead at least a dozen days, but it moves about like monkeys and like shadows. The Todal can't be killed. 

GUARD TWO:

It gleeps. 

ZORN:

What's gleeping? (The DUKE and the two GUARDS laugh)

THE DUKE:

Time is wasting, Prince. Already you have only eight and ninety hours. I wish you every strangest kind of luck.  

(ZORN turns to leave, but pauses as the DUKE continues)

One last word and warning. I would not trust the Golux overfar. He cannot tell what can be from what can't. He seldom knows what should be from what is. 

ZORN:

When all the clocks are striking five.   

(The DUKE and the two GUARDS laugh. As ZORN steps away, SARALINDA appears behind him, and tosses a rose over his shoulder at his feet. Meanwhile, the DUKE and the GUARDS disappear, and the GOLUX touches his elbow)

THE GOLUX:

It is the Golux. The only Golux in the world. 

ZORN:

The Duke thinks you are not so wise as he thinks you think you are. 

THE GOLUX:

I think he is not so wise as he thinks I think he is. Nine and ninety hours, hmm. And the clocks striking five. 

ZORN:

How do you know that? 

THE GOLUX:

The Duke is lamer than I am old, and I am shorter than he is cold, but it comes to you with some surprise that I am wiser than he is wise. (Chuckles. Then scowls) We now have only eight and ninety hours to find a thousand gems. 

ZORN:

You said that you had other plans than one. 

THE GOLUX:

(Eagerly) What plans? 

ZORN:

You didn't say. 

THE GOLUX:

(Closing his eyed. Pause) If there were hail, and we could stain the hail with blood, it might turn into rubies. 

ZORN:

There is no hail. 

THE GOLUX:

So much for that.

ZORN:

The task is hard, and can't be done. 

THE GOLUX:

I can do a score of things that can't be done. I can find a thing I cannot see and see a thing I cannot find. The first is time, and the second is a spot before my eyes. I can feel a thing I cannot touch and touch a thing I cannot feel. The first is sad and sorry, the second . . . is your heart. What would you do without me? Say 'nothing.' 

ZORN:

Nothing. 

THE GOLUX:

Good. Then you're helpless and I'll help you. I said I had another plan than one, and I have just remembered what it is. There is a woman on this isle, who'd have some eight and eighty years, and she is gifted with the strangest gift of all. For when she weeps, what do you think she weeps? 

ZORN:

Tears. 

THE GOLUX:

Jewels. 

ZORN:

But that is too remarkable to be. 

THE GOLUX:

I don't see why. Even the lowly oyster makes his pearls without the use of eyes or hands or any tools, and pearls are jewels. The oyster is a blob of glup (a short burst of eerie noise), but a woman is . . . a woman. 

ZORN:

Where does this wondrous woman dwell? 

THE GOLUX:

(Groans) Over mountain, over stream . . . by the way of storm and thunder, in a hut so high . . . or so deep, I never can remember which . . . the naked eye can't see it. We must be on our way. It will take us ninety hours, more or less, to go and come. It's this way. Or it's that way. Make up my mind.

ZORN:

How can I?

THE GOLUX:

You have a rose. Hold it in your hand. (ZORN holds out the rose; slowly, it turns and points). It's this way. I'll tell you the tale of Hagga as we go.  

(They go out into the audience and 'travel.' Meanwhile, HAGGA appears, and sits on the chest)

HAGGA:

After I rescued the king from the trap, and he gave me the gift of weeping jewels, I wept, it seemed, for years. Everyone who heard of a sad story or a tragedy came and told me, and I wept the kingdom full of jewels. They became so cheap that finally the king passed a law against making me weep, and melted all the jewels. But by then I wept no more, at any tale of tragedy or tribulation. Damsels killed by dragons leave me cold, and broken hearts, and children lost, and love denied. Hagga weeps no more.   

(ZORN and THE GOLUX are travelling, circling around among the audience)

THE GOLUX:

I hope that this is true. I make things up, you know.

ZORN:

I know you do. (pause) If Hagga weeps no more, why should she weep for you?

THE GOLUX:

(After a pause) I feel that she is frail and fragile. I trust that she is sad and worry. I hope that she is neither dead nor dying. I'll think of something very sad to tell her. Very sad and lonely. Take out your rose, I think we're lost. (ZORN does) Around this way.  

(They meet GUARD ONE, as a JACKADANDY).

JACKADANDY:

I told my tales to Hagga, but Hagga weeps no more. I told her tales of lovers lost in April. I told her tales of maidens dead in June. I told her tales of princes fed to geese. I even told her how I lost my youngest niece.

THE GOLUX:

This is sad. And getting sadder.

JACKADANDY:

The way is long. And getting longer. The road goes uphill all the way, and even farther. I wish you luck. You’ll need it.

HAGGA:

I have no tears. Once I wept when ships were overdue, or brooks ran dry, or tangerines were overripe. I weep no more. I have turned a thousand persons gemless from my door.  

(ZORN and THE GOLUX meet GUARD TWO, as a JACK-0'-LENT)

JACK-0'-LENT:

I told my tales to Hagga, but Hagga weeps no more. I told her tales of lovers lost at sea and drowned in fountains. I told her tales of babies lost in woods and lost on mountains. She wept not. The way is dark, and getting darker. The hut is high and even higher. I wish you luck. There is none.

ZORN:

How many hours do we have left?

THE GOLUX:

If we can make her weep within the hour, we'll barely make it.

ZORN:

I hope that she's alive. And sad.

THE GOLUX:

I feel that she has died. I feel it in my stomach. You better carry me. I'm weary.   

(Zorn carries him. He carries him to Hagga's door, puts him down, knocks. Hagga opens the door)

THE GOLUX:

Weep for us, or else this Prince will never wed his Princess.

HAGGA:

I have no tears.

THE GOLUX:

I have tales to make a hangman weep, and tales to bring a tear of sorrow to a monster's eye. I have tales that would disturb a dragon's sleep, and even make the Todal sigh.

HAGGA:

Once I wept when maids were married underneath the April moon. I weep no more when maids are buried, even in the month of June.

THE GOLUX:

You have the emotions of a fish.

HAGGA:

I have no tears.

THE GOLUX:

But listen, the Princess Saralinda will never wed this youth until the day he lays a thousand jewels upon a certain table.  

(ZORN has been wandering around. At this point, he opens the chest and gasps. The inside of the chest is alight. He mimes picking up jewels)

ZORN:

Look! Thousands of them! Diamonds! Sapphires!

HAGGA:

Those are the jewels of laughter. I woke up fourteen days ago to find them on my bed. I had laughed until I wept at something in my sleep. (The GOLUX and ZORN are pawing though the jewels) You might as well put them back. For there's a thing that you must know, concerning jewels of laughter. They always turn again to tears a fortnight after. It has been a fortnight, to the day and minute, since I took the pretties to this chest and put them in it.  

(The light in the chest dies. ZORN drips his hand into the chest)

THE GOLUX:

Can you remember what you laughed at in your sleep?

HAGGA:

I can never remember dreams.

THE GOLUX:

(Gets an idea) I will make her laugh until she weeps. 

HAGGA I laugh at nothing that has been, or is. 

THE GOLUX:

Then we will think of things that will be, and aren't now, and never were. I'll think of something. (Thinks)  

A dehoy who was terribly hobble,

Cast only stones that were cobble

And bats that were ding,

From a shot that was sling,

But never hit . . . inks that were bobble.
 

(Hagga laughs. A few jewels are caught by the GOLUX)

She's weeping semiprecious stones! (Thinks again)

There was an old coddle so molly,

He talked in a glot that was poly,

His gaws were so gew

That his laps became dew,

And he . . . ate only pops that were lolli. 

(Hagga laughs again. Again a few jewels are caught and examined)

Rhinestones! Now she's weeping costume jewelry!   

(He thinks. Nothing comes. He walks out into the audience, shrugs, and removes his hat, reverses his coat, and puts his glasses on. As THE AUTHOR, he walks back into the scene with the dejected HAGGA and the despondent ZORN. They cannot see him. He finds his way to a spot directly in front of HAGGA, and snaps his fingers. She sees him, and breaks down in hysterical laughter. ZORN jumps up and begins gathering jewels, laughing as well, and putting them in a sack. THE AUTHOR slips out, becomes THE GOLUX again, and reenters, gathering jewels, as HAGGA laughs)

      I wish she had laughed at something I had said. 

ZORN:

(To Hagga, who continues to laugh) God keep you warm in winter, and cool in summer.

THE GOLUX:

Farewell. And thank you.

ZORN:

(as they leave) How many hours are left now? 

THE GOLUX:

I should say that we only have about forty left, but it's downhill all the way. (He looks around) I think it's this way. (They go off, as before, travelling. 

(Controlling her laughter, she sees the rose lying on the ground) A rose. They must have dropped it.

ZORN:

(Off, travelling) Where's the rose?

THE GOLUX:

No time for that now. I think it's this way. No, that way. I think.  

(THE DUKE and the two GUARDS have appeared. HAGGA is gone)

THE DUKE:

How goes the night?

GUARD ONE:

The moon is down. I have not heard the clocks.

THE DUKE:

You'll never hear them! I slew time in this castle many a cold and snowy year ago.

GUARD TWO:

Time froze here. Someone left the windows open.

THE DUKE:

Bah. (Limping about, looking at the clocks) It bled hours and minutes on the floor. I saw it with my own . . . eye. (pause) There are no jewels! They'll have to bring me pebbles from the sea or mica from the meadows. (laughs) How goes the night?

GUARD ONE:

They don't have much time left.

THE DUKE:

Where were they going?

GUARD TWO:

I met a Jackadandy, some seven hours ago. They passed him on their way to Hagga's hill. Do you remember Hagga, and have you thought of her?

THE DUKE:

Hagga weeps no more. Hagga has no tears. She did not even weep when she was told about the children locked up in my tower.

GUARD ONE:

I hated that.

THE DUKE:

I liked it. No child can sleep in my camellias. (pause) I'll throw them up for grabs betwixt the Todal and the geese! I'll lock them in the dungeon with the thing without a head. I'll slay them all, this sweetheart and her suitor. You hear me?

GUARD TWO:

Yes. But there are rules and rites and rituals, older than the sound of bells and snow on mountains.

THE DUKE:

Go on.

GUARD TWO:

You must let them have their time and turn to make the castle clocks strike five.

THE DUKE: 

The castle clocks were murdered. I killed time here myself one snowy morning. You can still see the old brown stains, where seconds bled to death, here on my sleeve. What else?

GUARD TWO:

You know as well as I. The Prince must have his time and turn to lay a thousand jewels there on the table.

THE DUKE:

And if he does?

GUARD TWO:

He wins the hand of Princess Saralinda. 

THE DUKE:

The only warm hand in the castle. Who loses Saralinda loses fire. I mean the fire of the setting suns, and not the cold and cheerless flame of jewels. Her eyes are candles burning in a shrine. Her feet appear to me as doves. Her fingers bloom upon her breast like flowers. 

GUARD ONE:

This is scarcely the way to speak of one's own niece. 

THE DUKE:

She's not my niece! I stole her. I stole her from the castle of a king. I mean to keep her here till she is twenty-one. The day she is, I'll wed her. And that day is tomorrow. 

GUARD ONE:

Why haven't you before? This castle is your kingdom. 

THE DUKE:

Because the nurse turned out to be a witch who cast a spell upon me. 

GUARD ONE:

What were its terms? 

THE DUKE:

I cannot wed her till the day she's twenty-one, and that day is tomorrow. 

GUARD TWO:

You said that once before. 

THE DUKE:

I must keep her in a chamber where she is safe from me. I've done that. 

GUARD ONE:

I like that part. 

THE DUKE:

I hate it. I must give and grant the right to any prince to seek her hand in marriage. I've done that, too.

GUARD TWO:

In spells of this sort, one always finds a chink or loophole, by means of which the right and perfect prince can win her hand in spite of any task you set him. How did the witch announce that part of it? 

THE DUKE:

Like this: 'She can be saved, and you destroyed, only by a prince whose name begins with X and doesn't.' 

GUARD TWO:

This prince is Zorn of Zorna, but to your terror and distaste, he once posed as a minstrel. His name was Xingu then, and wasn't. This is the prince whose name begins with X and doesn't. 

THE DUKE:

(to himself; almost a whisper) Nobody ever tells me anything. All right! We'll go out and meet them. I'll slay the Golux and the mince, and marry Saralinda! Follow me!  

(All three rush off right, just as THE GOLUX and ZORN arrive left, cautiously. SARALINDA stands under her spell, with her back to them. THE GOLUX taps her shoulder)

SARALINDA:

How could you find the castle in the dark without my rose? He would not let me burn a candle. 

ZORN:

You lighted up your window like a star. 

THE GOLUX:

And we could see the castle from afar. Our time is marked in minutes. Start the clocks! 

SARALINDA:

I cannot start the clocks. The Duke slew time here, and wiped --

THE GOLUX:

Yes, I know, he wiped his sword on its beard. But we must start them. You must start them. 

SARALINDA:

How can I start them? I know nothing of clocks. 

THE GOLUX:

Your hand is warmer than the snow is cold. Touch the first clock with your hand. (SARALINDA touches it. Nothing happens) Again! (Nothing) We are ruined.

SARALINDA:

Use magic!

THE GOLUX:

I have no magic to depend on. Try another clock. (She does. Nothing)

SARALINDA:

Use . . . logic, then!

THE GOLUX:

(Thinks) Now let me see. If you can touch the clocks and never start them, then you can start the clocks and never touch them. That's logic, as I know and use it. Hold your hand this far away. Now that far. Closer! Now a little farther back. A little farther. There! I think you've got it! Don't move! (He reaches behind the clock and the hand moves to 8 minutes to five. They move from clock to clock, advancing them two or three minutes at a time. At each, he coaches her regarding distance. THE DUKE is standing, facing away for the scene, looking for ZORN)

THE DUKE:

I hear the sound of time. And yet I slew it, and wiped my bloody sword upon its beard. Stand forward, Zorn of Zorna! I'll slay him myself! I slew time with this bloody hand, and time is greater far than Zorn of Zorna!

GUARD ONE:

No mortal man can murder time, and even if he could, there's something else: a clockwork in a maiden's heart, that strikes the hours of youth and love, and knows the southward swan from winter snow, and summer afternoons from tulip time.

THE DUKE:

That's disgusting. You sicken me with your chocolate chatter. I'll slay this prince, I tell you. If there were light, I'd show you on my sleeves the old brown stains of seconds, where they bled and died. I slew time in these gloomy halls, and wiped my bloody blade --

GUARD ONE:

Ah, shut up. You are the most aggressive villain in the world. I always meant to tell you that. I said it and I'm glad.

THE DUKE:

Silence. Where are we?

GUARD TWO:

This is the hidden door that leads into your throne room.

THE DUKE:

Open. (They enter. The clocks are all at 5:00. As they enter, everyone else chimes, slowly, and one counts)

GUARD ONE:

One!

ZORN:

Two!

THE DUKE:

Three . . .

SARALINDA:

Four.

THE GOLUX:

FIVE! The task is done, and the terms are met. (He points at the sack on the chest).

THE DUKE:

(Picking up the sack, and miming inspecting jewels). They're false. They must be colored pebbles.

GUARD ONE:

The task is done. The terms are met.

THE DUKE:

Not until I count them. If there be only one that isn't here, I wed the Princess Saralinda on the morrow.

THE GOLUX:

What a gruesome way to treat one's niece.

THE DUKE:

She's not my niece. I stole her from a king. (Pause) We all have flaws, and mine is being wicked.

SARALINDA:

Who is my father, then? 

THE DUKE:

Hasn't the Golux told you? But of course, he never could remember things. 

THE GOLUX:

Especially the names of kings. 

THE DUKE:

Your father was good King Gwain of Yarrow. The king that Hagga saved from the trap. The king that gave her the power to weep these jewels.

THE GOLUX:

To weep . . . I knew that once, but I forgot it. (THE DUKE snickers as he counts). Then the gift your father gave to Hagga has operated in the end to make you happy. . 

THE DUKE:

The tale is much too tidy for my taste. I hate it. Nine hundred ninety-eight. Nine hundred ninety-nine. Nine hundred ninety-nine! (he rises. A deathly silence) The Princess belongs to me! 
 

(Consternation. SARALINDA faints. In the rush, THE GOLUX steps out into the crowd, reverses his coat, puts on his glasses and steps back into the scene. He claps his hands. Everyone freezes. He goes to the frozen DUKE (perhaps he has a little trouble finding him), removes an invisible ring from his hand, snaps the jewel off, and lays it on the table. He claps his hand again and steps back out into the audience as the scene continues)

What's this? One thousand . . . (pause; he looks fiercely around. Perhaps he sees THE AUTHOR smiling in the audience) Well, what are you waiting for? Depart! If you be gone forever, it will not be long enough! If you return no more, it will be too soon! Begone. My jewels will last forever. 

(THE AUTHOR laughs, as THE DUKE pours the jewels into the chest, the light comes on, and he kneels by the chest to admire and fondle them)

SARALINDA:

But where has the Golux gone?

ZORN:

He'll be all right. He knows a lot of places. Come. Yarrow is halfway upon our journey. We can be there in six and sixty hours.

SARALINDA:

(to THE GUARDS) I feel he is not gone forever. If you see him . . . give him our love. And this. (She gives GUARD ONE the rose)

THE AUTHOR:

(He is now standing behind THE DUKE, who is kneeling over the jewels. As he speaks, the rest of the company melt back into their robes and resume their original positions)  

A fair wind stood for Yarrow, and, looking far to sea, the Princess Saralinda thought she saw, as people often think they see, on clear and windless days, the distant shining shores of Ever After. Your guess is as good as mine -- after all, there are a lot of things that shine -- but I have always thought she did, and I will always think so. (He raises an arm; the company begins to creep toward one side of the acting area)
 

A fortnight later, the Duke was gloating over his jewels in the throne room when they suddenly (he gestures) turned to tears, with a little sound like sighing. 

(There is such a sound, which continues, very low, to begin becoming THE TODAL noise. The light in the chest has gone out. THE DUKE drips his hand in the chest, exactly as ZORN had done in HAGGA's hut)

THE DUKE:

What slish is this? 

(He thinks about it. THE AUTHOR chuckles. THE TODAL is at the side, gleeping. THE DUKE hasn't seen it) 

Come on, then, you blob of glup. (He draws his sword) You may frighten octopi to death, you gibbous spawn of hate and thunder, but not the Duke of Coffin Castle! (The noise is louder. THE TODAL is almost at his feet) Now that my precious gems have turned to thlup, living on alone and cold is not my fondest wish. (He sees the TODAL, which has surrounded him. The noise almost drowns his last words) On guard, you musty sofa! 
 

(THE TODAL has glupped him. The noise stops as though a switch had been flipped. THE TODAL dissolves into the company, who turn and bow. THE DUKE has disappeared, and his sword lies next to the chest. The company bow.

THE END